Windows to the soul

 Out of the twins, my son is really withdrawn. At the playground he focuses on toys and structures, his giant eyes hiding behind his beautiful chestnut hair, shutting out the whole world around him. Yet is spite if it, my little angel is actually comfortable around people and really social. He says hello and goodbye at times, and cuddles constantly and looks at people in the eye.

He stayed longer in the NICU due to the SVT, and I often wonder if that's what caused such a void between us. I feel like he is a million miles away, and the more I pull in the more he pushes me away. From birth he was handled, poked, strapped, submitted to all kinds of tests and  I really believe he remembers it, and rebels against it. He is really physical, he bites and punches and kicks.

Today we had a consultation for the Genetic doctor who will be testing for fragile X along with other enzymes to see if James is going to have it. At first my son was somewhat behaving, and then when he started to be handled he started to lose it. He fought so hard, turn red, screamed and then he looked at me with those brown big eyes and asked me to help him. I've never had him ask something from me so clear and direct. I wonder if he will remember I let go and held him.

Truth is, my son is my miracle baby. I honestly though he might have not made it. I remember holding him skin to skin under my nightgown when he was 4.5lb and singing and ask him to be strong, because i couldn't live without him. To this day I really wish I could endure all this for him, somehow take away all of it and put it on my shoulders. I wish I could just endure it all for him, be the one held down against her will while she gets examined and poked endlessly to make sure everything is OK. I wish I didn't have to look into his eyes, and tell him he needs this and know he is just asking for my help and I am letting him down.

Those gorgeous dark eyes that sometimes feel so empty. Cold, detached. Emotionless. Does he really feel that way? Because I see him cry when something stresses him, and be very emotional. And very animated. Yet many times, I wonder of he really sees me. If he feels anything about me as he looks into mine with such a blank expression. Maybe it's in my head. Or maybe he is disappointed I can't defend him the way he wants me to, or if he knows I am as helpless as him in this. Or maybe he is just lost in his world, and can't see me trying to drag him out.