As the fog descends

“Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.” ― Debra Ginsberg

My heart shattered the moment I was told my son had failed the Autism screening at his Early developmental Assessment in April of 2012. I knew my kids where different, but I thought twins where different in general, that's why they call them "double trouble". They never did connect much with me but they connect with each other in a "they get into each other's cribs to cuddle" kind of way.  How do you look into those angelic, big animated eyes thinking there is something wrong with your babies?

My husband and I went to this evaluation with both the twins. They were born preemie, after I had an emergency c-section at 33 weeks due to preeclampsia. My organs where shut down and I had one hour before I started to seizure. I was so sick, I was not able to visit them in the NICU for the first 3 days after their birth. Two weeks later, the night my daughter came home to us, my son had an SVT ( Supra Ventricular Tachycardia) attack that put him on heart medication, and was attached to to monitors when he finally came home to me a month later. And through all, I couldn't think about anything but keeping them alive and healthy. Yet in that evaluation room I was told that not only my son (who qualified for the screening because of the SVT) failed the screening, but my daughter was displaying Autistic behavior and severe delay too. 

I was bombarded with lists of tests varying from genetic to auditory, and a contact for the Autistic Evaluation center near me. The moment I walked out if that office unable to hold back any tears, and just unbelievably heartbroken. 

Ever since I finally started to see what everyone was talking about. The obsessive spinning of wheels, the outrageous tantrums and their inability to follow commands. It was like suddenly a thick fog was cast on my beautiful babies, and through it I could see only a glimpse here and there of them.

I got really on top of all their appointments, evaluations and therapy and I am on every waiting list imaginable.   it's July, and they will be starting therapy soon. They are very delayed on everything, some ranking 90% like speech, yet if you meet my kids they are very "high functioning". They eat and run and try so hard to communicate. 

I wanted to start a blog about my journey through Autism. I get so caught up trying to do therapy with them at home. following a strict schedule, trying to make sure they are making progress- ANY kind- that I forget that this is something completely emotional to me.