He stayed longer in the NICU due to the SVT, and I often wonder if that's what caused such a void between us. I feel like he is a million miles away, and the more I pull in the more he pushes me away. From birth he was handled, poked, strapped, submitted to all kinds of tests and I really believe he remembers it, and rebels against it. He is really physical, he bites and punches and kicks.
Today we had a consultation for the Genetic doctor who will be testing for fragile X along with other enzymes to see if James is going to have it. At first my son was somewhat behaving, and then when he started to be handled he started to lose it. He fought so hard, turn red, screamed and then he looked at me with those brown big eyes and asked me to help him. I've never had him ask something from me so clear and direct. I wonder if he will remember I let go and held him.
Those gorgeous dark eyes that sometimes feel so empty. Cold, detached. Emotionless. Does he really feel that way? Because I see him cry when something stresses him, and be very emotional. And very animated. Yet many times, I wonder of he really sees me. If he feels anything about me as he looks into mine with such a blank expression. Maybe it's in my head. Or maybe he is disappointed I can't defend him the way he wants me to, or if he knows I am as helpless as him in this. Or maybe he is just lost in his world, and can't see me trying to drag him out.